The SIMS IRL

Many girls grow up hearing stories about marriage from their moms or aunts and watch movies involving weddings that they later attend and envision what it would be like when it’s their turn.

Being gay Millenial and getting married is like pursuing a degree in a pilot academic program. It’s accredited(legal), but there is no navigation help and no informal advising. There is no blueprint, because the generations before us, Generation X and Baby Boomers, were not allowed to get legally married.

And if they did have civil unions or long-term partners, it was often done privately, for safety.

If you’re lucky and your peers are gay and married, your peers are your reference point. This entire process, as consuming and overwhelming as it will be, you have to learn and navigate with minimal foresight and assistance.

Also, the importance of picking a quality team to be around you during the wedding planning period is priceless. The people you allow into your mental and physical space during this time, have the power to shift and impact your energy in positive or negative ways, so choose wisely.

This is however difficult because the wedding planning process is a very ‘people/loved one’ pleasing undertaking. You will be confronted with many opinions of what others think you should wear, who you should invite, where it should be etc.

However, none of that matters.

What matters most is what you and your partner want, and what is the most authentic manner to celebrate your union with your loved ones.

With that being said, please make it a priority to let people in during this period, who bring peace. The wedding planning process at baseline is stressful, so it is important to have people in your inner circle that alleviate stress during this time. Understand that everyone in your life does not operate in a spirit of calm, leading with peace and solutions.

But the people who do not, though there is no love lost, do not need to be apart of your planning and execution team because it inevitably will only make things more stressful as the process nears closer to the wedding date

I think the most important question to ask yourself and your partner, before wedding planning, is ‘What is the purpose of this event/ceremony?’

Forget tradition, what has historically occurred, or even what your parents are expecting of you on this day.

Questions you should ask yourself continuously throughout this journey are

1) What is it, that you and your partner/or partners (if polyamorous) would like to feel on that day? 

2) What is the most comfortable and cost-efficient manner for you all to execute it?

If the purpose is to simply display the commitment, respect and love you and your partner have towards one another indefinitely, then please understand that it does not cost upwards of 25-30k(the average cost of American weddings )to display that.

If the purpose is to please your parents or grandparents, then consider them and be prepared to comprise every step of the way in the wedding planning journey.

If the purpose is to throw a huge celebration for your friends and family with an open bar and seated /plated dinner per person,  then be prepared to SPEND.

We decided to focus inwardly in our planning and downsize on spending as much as we can. In the end we spent much less than most people we know who got married before us, but we still overspent in hindsight and if we could do it again, would cut the cost even more. 

Remember,  the wedding is a couple of hours in ONE DAY, but the marriage is intended to last for the rest of your life. Our recommendation, based on experience, is to invest heavily in the marriage and minimally in the ceremony. We regret some of the money spent on the ceremony, but we have never regretted the copays spent on pre-marital therapy, monthly marital maintenance counseling self-help/relationship books, or podcasts. 

There is no need to spend a down payment on a home, celebrating your commitment to one another with your loved ones, when you have a lifetime to do that however, you two see fit.