The SIMS IRL

If you skipped every other article, please DO NOT SKIP this one!

If someone tells you that couples don’t need counseling before or after getting married, just remind them of how common divorce is in the United States. 

The biggest game-changer in our marriage was getting some guidance before we tied the knot, and keeping that support going. Coming in at a close second was choosing a sober life. You can read more on that later. It is also worth noting that we both were engaged in individual therapy before starting marital therapy, which helped ease our transition into marital therapy because we both spent considerable time working on ourselves with individual therapists.

Getting Married is something many people dream of, but it’s tough to grasp just how much work it is until you’re in it. Once you’re married, it feels like the relationship training wheels are off and it’s just you and your partner riding through life’s ups and downs. Even if you grew up with two parents who made marriage look easy, it’s different when it’s your turn. Everyone’s got their own way of doing things, their way of talking, showing love, and solving problems. 

Premarital counseling taught us how to respect one another’s autonomy and agency, within the marriage space. And this was something I needed more help with in comparison to Simone, and took me a lot longer (than I’m sure she would have liked) for me to understand and respect.

Another integral lesson that came out of premarital counseling, was learning to understand, respect, and meet the expectations of one another, within the marriage and our home. I still remember the first day our marriage therapist told us in a session to write down a list of expectations we have for the other partner and return the next week to discuss them in depth. We were also not allowed to go over the list before the next session, with each other, and we did not.

Upon returning, and listing our expectations, we quickly realized that we expect slightly different things from one another in the union and in our home, and it initially created some friction until we learned to understand the whys behind the expectations and develop reasonable ways to meet them. This sounds much easier than it is written and took us time to grasp and execute. 

Staying married means being good at tackling problems together, because it’s not always about whether you get along—it’s whether you can fix things when they go wrong.

One of the most impactful tools that we learned in marriage maintenance counseling was the value of weekly check-ins. During these check-ins, which we still do weekly on Sundays, before the start of the work week, we discuss our emotions concerning 6 things:  Work, School, Friends, Family, Personal Life, and Marriage Life. These check-ins help us not only learn one another better but also helps us anticipate the needs of the other partner during the week to follow, based on the concerns vocalized during the check-in.  

I believe Marriage therapy is beneficial to all couples, at any stage in their relationship but mandatory for all Married couples especially at the beginning of their marriage. Based on the divorce rates in this country, it’s fair to say that unfortunately most American marriages are likely to fail, and for that reason, I will gladly take all the professional help we can get to keep ours healthy and flourishing.